10 ways the Democratic Party can hope to claw back some respect (and votes) after E-Day catastrophe

It's unlikely they'll take it, but at least we tried.

UPDATED NOV 10, 2024

The Democrats need to learn some new tricks, accepts some home truths and most importantly, accept they screwed up.

As the Democratic Party reels from suffering one of its worst defeats at the hands of the Republicans, it's time they took stock of why they failed so spectacularly. And, after taking said stock, it's important they implement changes to the way they approach elections, Republican voters, and Americans in general. And so, as Kamala Harris probably says goodbye to any meaningful public office forever, and Donald Trump comes up with 15 ways to destroy the world order, we offer a little bit of advice to the Democrats. It's unlikely they'll take it, but at least we tried, which is more than we can say for....

#1 Thou shalt not appear in ‘Vogue’

What is with Democrats and appearing in 'Vogue', a magazine that has as much global political heft as a Putin promise. With a country increasingly split down economic and ideological lines, it's staggeringly stupid to appear on the cover of a magazine that caters specifically to the wealthy while hiding behind the 'aspirational' label. Going forward, when Anna calls, get your assistant to say you're not available. Oh, and this should go for your spouse too for heavens' sake.

#2 Thou shalt not accept endorsements from traditional celebs

Celebs carry as much weight with voters as their well-padded egos will allow them to believe. Taylor Swift and Beyonce endorsed Kamala Harris, net effect? Nada. In fact, Taylor's record with political endorsements is a bit dodgy. So next time she calls, get your assistant to…(see #1). George Clooney is allegedly being blamed for Kamala Harris's loss after he wrote an NYT op-ed saying Joe Biden needs to step out of the 2024 race. George Clooney -- the worst Batman ever -- is being blamed?! Celeb endorsements are completely ridiculous, in fact, the more celebs that endorse you the higher the chance you're going to piss off the electorate.

#3 15-year-olds on TikTok are not voters

No they're not, seriously, it's the law. Yes really. They can choose their gender, but they can't choose you. Just because thousands of teens on TikTok think you're a 'Brat' doesn't make you electable, it just makes you viral, like COVID. Court people that really matter, and more importantly, those that pay taxes. So next time a Tiktok 'influencer' calls, get your assistant to… (see #1).

#4 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's vibes

Directly connected to #3, vibes don't count, votes do. Elections are NOT won on joy, they are won on actual policies and an understanding of America and its citizens. America is not a cuddle club, it's a country deeply divided and brimming with angst and worry looking for a leader. That's the real vibe.

#5 Thou shalt not use single words to describe voters

'Sexist', 'Racist', 'Misogynistic'. You know what those words are...'Lazy'. Disregarding people who didn't vote for you in such a flippant manner means you will never ever understand the roots of why you lost so devastatingly. These voters aren't simply going to vanish in four years, they'll still be around and they will remember. It also splits the voter base further because, once again, Democrats are claiming that their voters are morally superior to the MAJORITY of Americans. Well, we know how well that turned out.

#6 Thou shalt reach out to everyone, not just those who are voting for you anyway

Recent reports from Democrat volunteers on the ground during the past election show how Democrats simply chose to ignore people beyond their traditional voter base. Failing to do so meant they failed to get their policies across effectively. The US voter base comprises more than just Democrats and Republicans, the undecideds are far more important. In fact, going by the past election it looks like there were far more undecideds than actual Democrat voters. Maybe the Dem rousers should stop faffing about and actually do some work in 2028.

#7 Thou shalt pick the best candidate, not the one most readily available

Nancy Pelosi's statement that had Joe Biden dropped out earlier, it would have allowed for an open primary that may have given the Democrats a better candidate, is both reductive and stunningly stupid. For one it means that the party never believed that Harris was the right candidate, and all that 'joy' and all those 'vibes' were nothing more than eyewash for the voters. Yes, the Democrats should have gone with Josh Shapiro, but allegedly ‘BECAUSE’ of Biden they were stuck with Harris. Fine, let's say that statement has some merit for a moment. Why on earth did they not then pick Shapiro as Harris's running mate? Why pick a political cul-de-sac like Tim Walz? What's Nancy's excuse there? Reportedly, Shapiro's stance on the Israel-Gaza conflict ruled him out. Oh good, thanks to that zinger of an argument, Harris will go down as one of the worst Dem presidential candidates in history.

#8 Thou shalt remember that voters are real people with real problems

It's the economy stupid. Democrats seem to have forgotten that there are tens of millions of Americans who actually work for a living. People who, day in and day out, put in a real shift, often just to make ends meet. For whom, the price of eggs really does matter, because well, it really does. People who are struggling to put food on the table and keep a roof over their family's heads don't give a rat's derriere about Ukraine, Gaza, and any of the other niche hills Democrats died on on November 5. Talk to the voters like you actually give a crap (one of the few things Trump managed to do very well, in his own strange way), and more importantly, they need to feel that you get their pain.

#9 Thou shalt remember there is no culture war

Stop fighting battles that don't affect the majority. There is no new culture war. Culture has ALWAYS been at war. The First Amendment allows you to assemble peacefully to protest, what it does not all allow you to do is protest in a manner that prevents other people from living their lives (see campus protests). Clamp down on the extreme right by all means, but also recognize that there is an extreme left that is also disruptive. Treat both like the ills they are and you will soon see the culture war mirage fade. And remember, crime needs to be punished.

#10 Thou shalt remember the traditional media (and its digital offshoots) is inconsequential

The NYT, WaPo, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC (media not mentioned have simply been ignored, not forgotten) can ramble on till they're blue in the face and it won't make a damn bit of difference at the polls. From Joy Reid's extreme rage to the late-night show hosts crying into their Egyptian cotton sheets in their million-dollar mansions. The traditional media is a joke when it comes to influencing an election, because they're as out-of-touch as the Dem politicians. Joe Rogan and Elon Musk have more clout than all the major networks put together. Mainstream media needs to realize that the pendulum has not just swung away from them, but someone has unhooked it, put it in their pocket, and fled the country. Court the new traditional (and before you contact SuperJoyWooHooVibes on TikTok read #3) like Rogan and yes even Call Her Daddy (that was one of Harris's better moves, saying no to Joe Rogan, probably her worst), and more importantly, try -- as difficult as it may sound -- to court the American citizen who's going to vote.